Dealing with tough subjects are never easy, writing them down can be even worse. That said, I am a very private person, and very rarely publicise my life – odd you will think with my social media and this blog. Writing about Skylar and motherhood is easy, writing about the things around you that impact that motherhood is not.
With the festive season already in full swing, and all the merry and cheer, there is also the other more darker side of this time of year. Christmas when I was a child was wonderful, my parents went all out to make it really magical, from Father Christmas footprints outside and my dad picking out our own pine tree from our garden, our house was filled with the smells of Christmas, pine cones, mince pies and the record player pumping out Boney M. As we got older and became teenagers the traditions changed, but it was always a special time of the year.
When my husband and I moved in together, our first Christmas tree was a real one – I made sure I bought all the Christmas decorations in sight to make my home have its very own Christmas feel. I could not wait for us to have children of our own to experience the same joy of this time of the year with my own little ones.
If you have read my previous posts – you would know already, but for those that are new to my blog, having children was not an easy path. After our first year of trying and no luck, and then the second year passed, my Christmas spirit started to dwindle. I no longer wanted to celebrate or put up a tree and all the decorations, I frankly felt like – why bother – what is this for? I won’t be celebrating at home anyway – we will go out to family and who am I putting it up for anyway?
Everything in life lost its luster.
In November 2014 I found out I was pregnant the same time I found out my mom had cancer – you can read that story here. We celebrated the festive season the best we could, with my mom not feeling well at all, and myself feeling very ill from morning sickness. My mom tried to make the day as special as she could, but mentally I could see she was not up to it. She bought my brother a little teddy bear each, and said that we can put it up each Christmas when she is not here. I said to her – don’t be silly mom, of course you are going to be here next Christmas. She even bought Skylar her own little Merry Christmas hat and bib for the following year.
My mom would not see Skylar’s first Christmas, nor would she ever meet her first grandchild. Skylar’s first Christmas was one filled with mixed emotions, joy and sorrow. It was delightful to see her get excited with the new prezzies and chew on the paper, on the other side was the gaping hole of a loved one missed from the room. A person that always went the extra mile to make family events just a little more special.
I have to be a good parent myself and do what my mom would want for Skylar. I can’t hide away from the festive cheer, because it hurts more. I have to step up and make this time of the year just as special for Skylar, so she can have those precious memories I have.
Please let me know how you feel about this? As your opinion might differ – I feel as parents we have to hide our own grief and sorrow – for the benefit of our children. To be honest all I want to do for Christmas is run very far away to somewhere with no Christmas music, no tinsel or festive cheer – somewhere that does not bring up every memory of my mom and they way she would write a special message on each gift – we would even get a Christmas prezzie from our buggie and throw epic Christmas Eve parties.
I have to ‘mom-up’, and do what is best for Skylar, whip out all the tinsel – twist my husband’s arm to get a real Christmas tree and blast my newly purchased Boney-M album from iTunes.
Our new Elf on the Shelf will form part of some new family traditions – I look forward to creating our own special family moments.
If you find this time of the year particularly hard, or would like to give advice to other moms – please let me know – and comment below.
3 thoughts on “A not so Merry Christmas”
I miss her everyday 😢💔 she was more than an aunt to me.. she was my other mom and the person who i would always go for advice and comfort when things got tough.. and not a day goes by where I dont wish I could just hear her voice again.. so it must be extremely difficult for you to go through each day.. so as your cousin and someone who loved your mom as if she was my own.. I feel as if you need the comfort and support she always gave me.. I think she would have loved skylar so much and would try her best to give her the world ..like she would do eveytime one of her family members needed it.. so I dont think she would want you to feel guilty on christmas about her not being with us… give skylar the awsome traditions and christmas like your mom always did.. and I think thats all she would ask from you if she where still here.. she will always be with us in our hearts and memories… last year christmas sucked big time without our big family christmas lunches or evenings.. she was the glue in our family and an amazing aunt to me.. so I promise I will try and live up to being the aunt she was for me to skylar! 💞 love you both and I promise to give u a big hug when I see you💞
Ai Teri, I am in tears, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through, and still go through every day. Yes you should carry on traditions and make new ones. Christmas is magical, and I hope this year is very special for you and your family.
So moved by your raw and vulnerable post. Thank you for being so open and brave with sharing your heart ❤
I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like ❤
I love how you're starting a new tradition – something new to do with Skylar, and as she grows older you can maybe do something special and sentimental that keeps your moms legacy flowing through your family ❤ ❤ ❤