Grief will leave you feeling empty yet full of questions.
A question I often ask myself, if death is part of life, why are we so emotionally ill equipped to deal with it? There is no clear and cut way for how you are supposed to react. We know it’s going to happen, when it does we are thrown for a loss. There are no lessons in school that teach you to be human, there are lessons on how babies are made, but none on what happens when we are no longer here.
How I look at it, we see death as the biggest secret that you can’t hide from. Our minds won’t linger on our own mortality; it’s like a failsafe trigger. We have moments of wondering and contemplating it, generally it should not consume you and that is a good thing.
When someone you know passes away there is a wave of people that will start a process of self reflection and will question their own life for awhile. This is short lived for most, and in time you go back to their same daily routine, while others will have a total mind and life shift.
Some of you will know, and for those who are new to my blog, my mom passed away from cancer when I was 7 months pregnant with Skylar. It was horrific seeing what the disease does to the human body, watching the person who gave me life, wither away to someone that was no longer recognizable, can really play with your mind and how you react to the world around you.
The death of my mother really change my world, how I interact with people, how they treat me. I don’t want to be sad all the time, I don’t want to be angry all the time, but it happens, and I don’t believe there is a point where you can just stop grieving the loss of someone.
My mom was the “matriarch” of our whole family, she brought us together, and special occasions are kind of awkward now. I miss not having my mom there to argue with about how I am bringing up Skylar and giving me tons of advice I will scoff at and some I would use. I have a love hate relationship with Mother’s Day coming up (South Africa 14 May). I love that I am a mom, something I never thought I would be EVER! I love that there is a little person that shouts mama when I arrive home. I hate that I don’t have my mom to share those memories with, I hate that I don’t have her here to spoil and get Skylar to “make” her cards and take her for lunch.
On the 29 April it was 2 years since my mom passed away, and it took us 2 years to fulfil her wishes as a family and visit her special place, and honour her final wishes. You see when someone passes you don’t want it to be true, you don’t want to move that vase they placed on the counter, you don’t want to pack their clothes away or change your whole life. You want to just make it stay as close to how it was before they left, cause you can then catch yourself thinking that they are just in the other room. There does come a point when you need to start moving on, as it can engulf your life, and you can’t live on ‘pause’, I am still on pause, and I am not sure when the ‘play’ put will be pressed, but in the meantime I will try make the best of my current situation. Saying goodbye to my mom was hard, letting her go is worse.
Grief is a journey, each of us will take at points in our lives, how you experience this journey will differ, as our coping mechanism are all different.